We can tell you’re balding even with that stupid brushdown haircut. Hey, trashy meth ... BITCH SESSION...

Hey, trashy meth queens at Starbucks at 6:30 in the morning with porn DVDs in your hands talking vulgar about your previous night partying: You are an embarrassment.

What is so great about grown-ass men who idolize music made for teenagers? I know many of us are stunted because we didn’t get to do a lot of that other stuff kids did, but, damn, that shit is so juvenile.

I don’t mind effeminate guys. I do mind a culture that emulates bitchy, undereducated women. All this “gurl” and “you got that right” makes me wanna puke.

I hate to burst your bubble but hooking up with guys in the gym sauna every other day does count as sex and is technically cheating on your boyfriend.

What’s up with bisexual bottoms? If you’ve been coming into a gay chatroom for more than two years, the new rule is you can’t call yourself bisexual.

Detroit has the dullest gay scene in the U.S. What little is going on is in the worst parts of the city and straight couples are all over it in the suburbs. Boring!

Just because some gay couples “look exactly like each other” doesn’t mean homosexuality is a form of narcissism. It’s actually because opposites attract.

What’s with these 20-something girls in our gayborhoods? They march down our sidewalks three abreast, a phalanx in flip-flops and ponytails, and expect everyone to get out of their way. When others approach, it should be single file, please!

I’ve loved feet since I was in the third grade. Nowadays everybody is either wearing flip-flops or gawking at guys who are. But they don’t even seem to know why. It’s the feet, people! And I was here first.

Regarding the bitch about leaving your ex alone: It’s not so easy if you were really in love. Not all of us can just turn that off and give up the love of your life without a fight.

Since when is being fat in a Speedo about being yourself rather than just a distasteful choice? Speedos are meant to show off your best assets, not accentuate your worst.

Gay marriage will remove many hot men from circulation and make it even harder for me to steal them. I’ll have to play the mistress, and he may never leave the bitch because of what he stands to lose through divorce.

Gays will get the last laugh on homophobic Christian terrorist Eric Rudolph if he isn’t set apart from the prison population. His good looks will have him perpetually fighting off unwanted attention.

Why do some consider it racist to have “All-American” in my online profile? I think anyone of any race can be nice, honest, wholesome and have a positive attitude.

Why worry if other couples handle their finances jointly or separately? Most couples I know who keep their money separate aren’t afraid to pay more of their share.

Let’s see, you’re vapid and shallow, you broke my heart, and you make three times as much money as I do. So don’t complain when you have to buy me dinner. You got the better end of the deal.

You have fallen “in love” with every guy you ever dated. As soon as we broke up, the first guy you met is now “the one.” So you wonder why I didn’t feel special enough to spend more time with you?

To all perverted old men: Just because you see a cute guy walking down the street does not automatically mean he is for sale, especially at 9 a.m.

Why do I catch such grief about my long-distance relationship? If I meet the right guy, why should I let where he lives stop us from going for it?

Instead of assuming I don’t like you because of your race, perhaps you should consider that I don’t like you because of your personality. A bitchy troll queen is no less or no more appealing in black than in white.

For the guy who doesn’t wash his hands after because he doesn’t pee on his hands: Unless you’re one of those jerks who doesn’t flush afterwards, you’re touching the handle and therefore you’re touching the hands of all the guys who do pee on their hands.

I know a guy who has sex with me and we kiss on the lips. He has posed nude for a gay mag and stripped in a gay club, yet he insists he’s not gay. He ain’t fooling anyone.

If you think shaving your entire body makes you sexy, that’s your business, unless you come to me for a massage with body stubble. Try rubbing your hand over chin stubble for an hour and see how it feels.

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