Colleen Long, The Associated Press Jillian Straus had a good job, good friends and a good apartme... Writer studies single life

Colleen Long, The Associated Press Jillian Straus had a good job, good friends and a good apartment. A good relationship, however, seemed pretty hard to find.

"They were all young urban professionals, struggling with the same questions. 'Why is it so hard to make a relationship last?"' she said. "We seemed to go out to brunch every week and talk about why it was so much easier for our parents' generation to stay together. I really wanted to go a step further and figure out if that was really true for more than just my circle."

Straus quit her job as an associate producer for "The Oprah Winfrey Show," and moved from Chicago to New York. She spent about two years researching and interviewing about 100 single men and women about their relationships and their lives. They talked about why they stayed single, why they married and divorced. Some discussed what they've learned about making relationships work.

The result, "Unhooked Generation: The Truth About Why We're Still Single," is an analytical look at her research, discussing the stresses placed on singles today as a result of feminism and technology. The book went on sale Feb. 8, and 50,000 copies are in print, a good showing for a nonfiction book.

Straus is no scientist, and she clearly wrote about a very specific group of people: yuppies. But what she discovered helped her in her own relationship, and she thinks it may help you, too.

1. Get rid of your checklist. You know you have it. The list of superficial "must-haves" like "must wear wire-rimmed glasses and speak with a British accent." "We have unrealistic expectations," Straus said. "People aren't going to fill every quality you want," she said. "You have to weigh someone's qualities like loyalty and honesty on a different plane. Focus on what they have, not what they're missing."

2. Don't expect it to happen instantly. Cultivating a relationship takes time. Just because you don't get hit by lightning the first time you lay eyes on a person doesn't mean they aren't worth it, Straus says. "If you're just meeting the person, there's no way to tell. You have to invest the time, get to know someone."

3. Turn off the TV. Straus calls it the "Desperate Housewives" syndrome. "Marriage is boring; marriage is pain: That's what a lot of shows emphasize these days," she said. Straus said many of her friends expect life to be something like "Sex and The City," where the characters are "self-indulgent," and lead "responsibility-free lives." "It's never like it is on the TV, for good or bad," she said. "So stop treating it like reality."

4. Compromise isn't settling. It doesn't mean the relationship isn't bad; it means it's real. "People just don't want to do it. They don't want to give an inch. But if you really want to be in a relationship, it's really important," Straus said.

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