Ask Dr. Marcia: Sex with your ex won't make him come back I am 42 years old, divorced two ... Ask Dr. Marcia: Sex with your ex

I am 42 years old, divorced two years after being married for nine. At the time, we both wanted the divorce, and remained friendly and talked a lot until he met someone. He was with her for almost a year and he broke up with her four months ago.

During the time he was seeing her, I came to realize I still love him and want him back. I am not as young as I was when I dated before I was married, I haven't worked for years, and I am afraid I am going to wind up alone.

When he broke up with her, I went over there to console him and we wound up in bed. I continued to call him and talk him into seeing me, and I go over there and sleep with him every other week or so. I told him I love him, and he said he still cares about me.

This has been going on now for several months, but he still has not said anything about getting back together, and now I'm afraid he's dating again. What can I do to make him change his mind?

You are not going to like what I have to say, but you really need to hear it. This is about Desperation with a capital D -- not love. Where was this love when you wanted a divorce? What about the issues that caused you to divorce?

You are trying to use sex with your ex to save yourself from going out and getting a life of your own. Your own words say you fear your age, lack of career and the fact that you have not found someone.

Instead of trying to sex your ex into "changing his mind"--which, by the way, is not likely since he is dating and not you -- stop sleeping with him and work on feeling better about yourself.

As soon as you started feeling alone, which I'm guessing was when he stopped being your friend and started dating someone, you should have sought counseling to help you through this. It is never too late; the sooner you do this the better. Learning to be happy with yourself, by yourself, is what you need to do before you can be with anyone.

Recently, my kids, both teenagers, have been telling me it's time, and encouraging me to date. (Their mother has moved on.) They have even suggested people I should ask out, or say I should join an online dating site.

I am afraid of failing and repeating my mistakes of the past. I thought I was a good husband and father, but my marriage failed in spite of my efforts. How can I get over my reluctance to date?

The good news is that you're not pining over your ex, and you do seem to want to move on. Not so good is that you are still beating yourself up over the past -- save the guilt for your mother. The first thing you should do is give yourself a break and realize that it is never just one person's fault.

To help yourself, make a list of what you consider your "mistakes" of the marriage and remember that it is only a mistake if you do not learn from it. Start looking at the positive --this is a new chapter in your life, and your kids want to see you happy.

Step slowly into the dating pool, no matter what method you choose to meet people. For a casual "getting acquainted,"stick to meeting for coffee. Need more help? You know where I am. Happy dating!

Ladies and men of Morris County, the answers to "why doesn't he call?" and "why won't she stop calling?," as well as any other relationship woes, are just an e-mail away. To see other topics covered, visit my Web site, and don't be shy about asking about something you don't see there.

Marcia Owens has a Ph.D. in relationship psychology. If you would like to see your question answered here in the Daily Record, e-mail her at dailyrecord@askdrmarcia.com , or for a confidential personal response, visit www.askdrmarcia.com .

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